O Christmas Tree...
It's not yet December. Hasn't been a week since Thanksgiving yet. It feels like a month. I used to never be able to figure out why people often get depressed during the holidays. I have a better idea now. I used to be one of those people who thought that depression and other mental problems were just character flaws or weaknesses. That if they'd just (excuse the terminology) grow a set, they would be fine. In the past 5-6 years, I've begun to realize that there are just times when it's not possible to put emotions and thoughts aside. When the fears, the memories (whether sweet and poignant or unhappy), rise up and make drowning in them a distinct possibility. Knowing that there are people out there who are angry and hateful, who think they know certain things (but they don't), who seek to tear down and hurt others--and for what? To expand their own sense of self-worth? I hate to break the bad news, but that methodology just doesn't work. You may feel a temporary sense of self-righteousness, but it fades and leaves you feeling disgusted with yourself for being so ugly and unkind. And if you're a bright person who actually has a working brain between your ears, you also know that there are always two sides to every story--and that if all you hear is ONE side, it's a lopsided viewpoint.
I've spent time thinking about old times with my kids and yes, even remembering happy memories with my ex during the holidays. The laughter, the decorations... the sweetness of anticipation for that day when all the surprises that have been hidden away for months come out into the open and are finally visible. Music and lights, family time and gifts...and in the midst of it all, the greatest gift of all: Jesus, who came, who saw, who saved. He, who knew everything we would ever do, every decision we would make, every right and wrong that would be a part of our internal selves, He came. He loved us, despite those things we do that aren't always "right." He saved us. Even so.
I have always loved Christmas. Pretty much everything about it except perhaps for the craziness of shopping and fighting the crowds. But the music! Nat "King" Cole, Jim Reeves, A Colours Christmas, Amy Grant and Vince Gill...oh, so many favorite Christmas albums! The beautiful lights and decorations that are put up with such anticipation... Now it feels rather hollow. We don't really exchange gifts per se, my husband and I. Maybe a book or a pair of slippers. Or a needed tool. But we decorate and I play Christmas music and the lights glow and the fireplace log burns. But the sense of joyous anticipation that always came with the kids and their Christmas treasures under the tree is not there anymore. I have never been able to spend Christmas with my grandchildren, not even once. It isn't possible, not without a pile of cash from which to draw--and we don't have that. So the hollow, echoing house, with the long silences and very separate, personal memories of Christmas Past are what we live with now. And there is some good in that too; we have our very own, new traditions. Making glass-beaded ornaments, for one. Finding new/old movies we both enjoy.
It's just so sad to me that I am so far away from my own precious babies--and their babies--at this blessed time of year. My sense of humor is sadly absent right now.
I need to find something to do that requires my brain for longer stretches at a time so that I don't spend so much time thinking and feeling down. I always LOVED the holidays. I want that feeling BACK! And I don't want to deal with the meanness of other people, who seem to get a charge out of saying things that are targeted to cause pain. Why do people do that, anyway? And why doesn't anyone seem to realize it's happening, except for me?
Ah well. Enough of that. Whining has never been my favorite thing to do. I just wish we could all love one another, move on with life without having to hurt someone else in doing it and find our joy in the best place of all: Jesus' heart.
Ta-ta for now.
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