One Day Past Crazy.

Hard to deny a crazy day.

So it's been really rough this year thinking and planning for the holidays. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Maybe even the one before. Why is it that when a person is already having a hard day, everything that might go wrong...does? Days when you think all the bases are covered, that there's no way what you have planned can go awry?

And then it does.

This menopause thing seems to touch on nearly every area of my life. I remember feeling so annoyed with my mom sometimes back when I still lived at home when she'd explode with impatience, her face dripping with perspiration and flushed with hectic color. She got upset seemingly at nothing at all sometimes. She didn't sleep well. I'm beginning to resemble that woman, and it sucks. Feel a little guilty now for my disgust.

I deal with chronic pain from a birth defect. I have had to live with it since just before I turned 40. It, too, affects everything. Whether I can go shopping, do laundry, vacuum... Whether I'll spend a day doing housework, yard work or simply sitting and doing something like knitting or watching a movie. A bad hip, one that has a mind of its own, tells its own story.

So, with those two very obvious strikes against me, I have to weave in and out of life's obstacles with delicacy and caution if I want to not hurt or not have to take three showers in one day (those are the sweat-my-guts-out menopausal days). When something small--like missing a mail delivery I was expecting and actually really needed in a hurry--happens, it's almost like the end of the world. Tears have been right at the surface for days. My period hasn't come since last spring...until day before yesterday. And then...wow. Felt like the world was ending yesterday.

Today I got four calls and texts from current and former family members, letting me know that a beloved uncle (from my first marriage) had passed on today. How do I separate the emotions from the situation? I don't feel really free to just call anyone from the family I used to be a part of. There are a lot of situational issues there...mostly with the woman who is now married to my ex. I'm sure--and she's probably totally normal in this response--that she does NOT like me to insinuate myself in any area of her new family. I have held nothing against her, was very happy for her and my ex. But she stepped into something that wasn't her place to step into and tore the fragile bridge I'd hoped to keep open (for the sake of my kids ONLY) to pieces and then set fire to them. I did write a tiny note of condolence to a cousin (the son of the uncle who died), being very careful in my wording so as not to offend anybody. It's really sad that it has come to this.

Life is really hard sometimes. I think I'm in a season of rotten apples in my orchard.

Christmas is Coming...and all that jazz.

O Christmas Tree...

It's not yet December. Hasn't been a week since Thanksgiving yet. It feels like a month. I used to never be able to figure out why people often get depressed during the holidays. I have a better idea now. I used to be one of those people who thought that depression and other mental problems were just character flaws or weaknesses. That if they'd just (excuse the terminology) grow a set, they would be fine. In the past 5-6 years, I've begun to realize that there are just times when it's not possible to put emotions and thoughts aside. When the fears, the memories (whether sweet and poignant or unhappy), rise up and make drowning in them a distinct possibility. Knowing that there are people out there who are angry and hateful, who think they know certain things (but they don't), who seek to tear down and hurt others--and for what? To expand their own sense of self-worth? I hate to break the bad news, but that methodology just doesn't work. You may feel a temporary sense of self-righteousness, but it fades and leaves you feeling disgusted with yourself for being so ugly and unkind. And if you're a bright person who actually has a working brain between your ears, you also know that there are always two sides to every story--and that if all you hear is ONE side, it's a lopsided viewpoint.

I've spent time thinking about old times with my kids and yes, even remembering happy memories with my ex during the holidays. The laughter, the decorations... the sweetness of anticipation for that day when all the surprises that have been hidden away for months come out into the open and are finally visible. Music and lights, family time and gifts...and in the midst of it all, the greatest gift of all: Jesus, who came, who saw, who saved. He, who knew everything we would ever do, every decision we would make, every right and wrong that would be a part of our internal selves, He came. He loved us, despite those things we do that aren't always "right." He saved us. Even so.

I have always loved Christmas. Pretty much everything about it except perhaps for the craziness of shopping and fighting the crowds. But the music! Nat "King" Cole, Jim Reeves, A Colours Christmas, Amy Grant and Vince Gill...oh, so many favorite Christmas albums! The beautiful lights and decorations that are put up with such anticipation... Now it feels rather hollow. We don't really exchange gifts per se, my husband and I. Maybe a book or a pair of slippers. Or a needed tool. But we decorate and I play Christmas music and the lights glow and the fireplace log burns. But the sense of joyous anticipation that always came with the kids and their Christmas treasures under the tree is not there anymore. I have never been able to spend Christmas with my grandchildren, not even once. It isn't possible, not without a pile of cash from which to draw--and we don't have that. So the hollow, echoing house, with the long silences and very separate, personal memories of Christmas Past are what we live with now. And there is some good in that too; we have our very own, new traditions. Making glass-beaded ornaments, for one. Finding new/old movies we both enjoy.

It's just so sad to me that I am so far away from my own precious babies--and their babies--at this blessed time of year. My sense of humor is sadly absent right now.

I need to find something to do that requires my brain for longer stretches at a time so that I don't spend so much time thinking and feeling down. I always LOVED the holidays. I want that feeling BACK! And I don't want to deal with the meanness of other people, who seem to get a charge out of saying things that are targeted to cause pain. Why do people do that, anyway? And why doesn't anyone seem to realize it's happening, except for me?

Ah well. Enough of that. Whining has never been my favorite thing to do. I just wish we could all love one another, move on with life without having to hurt someone else in doing it and find our joy in the best place of all: Jesus' heart.

Ta-ta for now.

Holidays...Holy Days

It's been a while since I posted. In the time since, I've been out to Oregon for a few weeks and have continued to deal with the menopausal symptoms that seemed about to make me lose my mind. It's a little better now. Educating one's self can really be a good thing. Helpful. I discovered that lack of sleep or broken sleep can exacerbate the symptoms of menopause (really? I'd never have guessed.). And yet, menopause in and of itself causes that broken sleep (night sweats, feeling like you've swallowed the sun and it's now lodged between your ears and breastbone). I figured that if broken sleep makes it worse, and menopause is causing broken sleep...well, isn't that the epitome of a vicious cycle? Yup. 'Tis. So I decided to put on my thinking cap and figure out a way to keep the night sweats and hot flashes to a minimum during the night time.

I tried several things.

1. Leave the bedroom window open a few inches--even if it's hovering somewhere between icy and freeze-dry outside. (Frostbite isn't pretty. Especially in some areas.)
2. Sleep naked, or nearly so. (See above.)
3. Find an organic-fabric and -filled pillow that doesn't transfer heat. (No such animal exists. If it does, it's like finding bigfoot. I think it's a myth.)
4. Take sleeping medication. (Still waking up all night...just waking up drunk. Sort of better but not really.)
5. Drink alcohol. (I've been told it lowers body heat. Not sure about that but it did nothing to improve sleep. Added problem of hugging the porcelain god next morning. Not fun.)
6. Cry. (It's supposed to increase endorphins. Whoever said that... lied. Unless endorphins are little tiny animals that make your eyes red and swollen and give you the hiccups.)

Then, employing the part of my brain that has been hiding in a dark, frightened little huddle in the back corner of my skull, I thought, "Why not tackle this from a more direct angle? Find a way to keep your head cool at night."

I had a pillow that was really different. I'd bought it years ago but never used it for whatever reason. It was a regular pillow in that it looked normal. But it was actually an alternative down stuffed, zippered cover with a firm, smaller memory foam pillow inside it. I took the small pillow out and sliced it down one long edge. Then I stuck a king-sized pillow case down inside the pocket I'd made by cutting it open, then brought the remainder of the pillow case out and tucked it around the outside of it. (Imagine creating a little lined pocket inside the little memory foam pillow.) I took out one 8x8" frozen gel pack (the kind you use to keep your food cold in a cooler) that was a half inch thick, as well as two 3" x 4" gel packs and stuffed them inside the pocket in the little pillow. I put that stuffed little pillow into the larger, standard sized zippered outer pillow and zipped 'er closed. Pillow case on. Laid down on it. A wee bit firm but...blissfully...amazingly cool. Not cold. Not at all. There's too much foam and alternate down between my head and the ice for that. 

Good news. GREAT news. That first night, not one hot flash. Woke up once to go to the bathroom but that was it. And in the past 3 weeks I've been using it, I have totally stopped waking up with hot flashes and sweats! And now that I'm getting better sleep, I'm having almost zero hot flashes during the day. What a blissful relief! And with the remission of hot flashes has come a somewhat lesser problem with emotional swings. 

But now, it's the holidays. And I'm far, far away from my kids, grandkids, sisters and brother, and mom and dad. I don't remember the last Christmas I spent with them. Probably 2006. Yeah. That's it. Sad. I have never spent Christmas with the grand babies. Isn't that pathetic? I think it is.

Holidays. Holy Days. I think those two are sort of one and the same. It's tough to separate them in my mind. 

I guess I'm a little like Scarlett O'Hara. I'll think about it all...tomorrow.