Not fair not fair not fair.

Over the past two weeks, I almost totally had a cessation of menopausal symptoms. By that I mean the Terribly Emotional part, the time of the Big Sweats and Hot Flashing was almost completely gone. Of course I hadn't had a period since last spring some time... and then a week ago I was revisited by Aunt Flo. I thought maybe that would be a good thing; if I am making enough estrogen (or progesterone, or WHATEVER hormone makes that happen) to do that, then maybe I won't get more sweats, hot flashes or emotional swings.

HA HA HA.

Yeah so... the past two days I have been in a constant state of soggy. Wet hair, wet clothes. It feels like I have been standing out in the misty rain (not a downpour, at least) and getting...soggy. I have to take a couple showers a day or I feel sticky and tacky and gross. I'm thirsty all the time because I'm sweating all the time. All night. All day. I have to keep a glass of water on my night table, waking up 2 or 3 times to slake the horrible dryness that I feel.

I feel angry, frustrated, disappointed, impatient, sad, disgusted... And I keep wondering... when will it all be finished? How long will these really intense symptoms last? I've never seen any other woman do what I am doing. Just... nasty wet. I have it dripping off my eyebrows, my jaw, the entire back of my head gets so wet it drips off the end of my hair. And that's when I'm SITTING STILL. If I get busy doing something...yikes. This can't be normal. Can it??

We did some Christmas decorating last night. I've always loved doing that. This year, last year, not nearly as much. Not sure why, it just feels kind of pointless without kids here to see it. :(

Later.

One Day Past Crazy.

Hard to deny a crazy day.

So it's been really rough this year thinking and planning for the holidays. I think I mentioned that in my last post. Maybe even the one before. Why is it that when a person is already having a hard day, everything that might go wrong...does? Days when you think all the bases are covered, that there's no way what you have planned can go awry?

And then it does.

This menopause thing seems to touch on nearly every area of my life. I remember feeling so annoyed with my mom sometimes back when I still lived at home when she'd explode with impatience, her face dripping with perspiration and flushed with hectic color. She got upset seemingly at nothing at all sometimes. She didn't sleep well. I'm beginning to resemble that woman, and it sucks. Feel a little guilty now for my disgust.

I deal with chronic pain from a birth defect. I have had to live with it since just before I turned 40. It, too, affects everything. Whether I can go shopping, do laundry, vacuum... Whether I'll spend a day doing housework, yard work or simply sitting and doing something like knitting or watching a movie. A bad hip, one that has a mind of its own, tells its own story.

So, with those two very obvious strikes against me, I have to weave in and out of life's obstacles with delicacy and caution if I want to not hurt or not have to take three showers in one day (those are the sweat-my-guts-out menopausal days). When something small--like missing a mail delivery I was expecting and actually really needed in a hurry--happens, it's almost like the end of the world. Tears have been right at the surface for days. My period hasn't come since last spring...until day before yesterday. And then...wow. Felt like the world was ending yesterday.

Today I got four calls and texts from current and former family members, letting me know that a beloved uncle (from my first marriage) had passed on today. How do I separate the emotions from the situation? I don't feel really free to just call anyone from the family I used to be a part of. There are a lot of situational issues there...mostly with the woman who is now married to my ex. I'm sure--and she's probably totally normal in this response--that she does NOT like me to insinuate myself in any area of her new family. I have held nothing against her, was very happy for her and my ex. But she stepped into something that wasn't her place to step into and tore the fragile bridge I'd hoped to keep open (for the sake of my kids ONLY) to pieces and then set fire to them. I did write a tiny note of condolence to a cousin (the son of the uncle who died), being very careful in my wording so as not to offend anybody. It's really sad that it has come to this.

Life is really hard sometimes. I think I'm in a season of rotten apples in my orchard.

Christmas is Coming...and all that jazz.

O Christmas Tree...

It's not yet December. Hasn't been a week since Thanksgiving yet. It feels like a month. I used to never be able to figure out why people often get depressed during the holidays. I have a better idea now. I used to be one of those people who thought that depression and other mental problems were just character flaws or weaknesses. That if they'd just (excuse the terminology) grow a set, they would be fine. In the past 5-6 years, I've begun to realize that there are just times when it's not possible to put emotions and thoughts aside. When the fears, the memories (whether sweet and poignant or unhappy), rise up and make drowning in them a distinct possibility. Knowing that there are people out there who are angry and hateful, who think they know certain things (but they don't), who seek to tear down and hurt others--and for what? To expand their own sense of self-worth? I hate to break the bad news, but that methodology just doesn't work. You may feel a temporary sense of self-righteousness, but it fades and leaves you feeling disgusted with yourself for being so ugly and unkind. And if you're a bright person who actually has a working brain between your ears, you also know that there are always two sides to every story--and that if all you hear is ONE side, it's a lopsided viewpoint.

I've spent time thinking about old times with my kids and yes, even remembering happy memories with my ex during the holidays. The laughter, the decorations... the sweetness of anticipation for that day when all the surprises that have been hidden away for months come out into the open and are finally visible. Music and lights, family time and gifts...and in the midst of it all, the greatest gift of all: Jesus, who came, who saw, who saved. He, who knew everything we would ever do, every decision we would make, every right and wrong that would be a part of our internal selves, He came. He loved us, despite those things we do that aren't always "right." He saved us. Even so.

I have always loved Christmas. Pretty much everything about it except perhaps for the craziness of shopping and fighting the crowds. But the music! Nat "King" Cole, Jim Reeves, A Colours Christmas, Amy Grant and Vince Gill...oh, so many favorite Christmas albums! The beautiful lights and decorations that are put up with such anticipation... Now it feels rather hollow. We don't really exchange gifts per se, my husband and I. Maybe a book or a pair of slippers. Or a needed tool. But we decorate and I play Christmas music and the lights glow and the fireplace log burns. But the sense of joyous anticipation that always came with the kids and their Christmas treasures under the tree is not there anymore. I have never been able to spend Christmas with my grandchildren, not even once. It isn't possible, not without a pile of cash from which to draw--and we don't have that. So the hollow, echoing house, with the long silences and very separate, personal memories of Christmas Past are what we live with now. And there is some good in that too; we have our very own, new traditions. Making glass-beaded ornaments, for one. Finding new/old movies we both enjoy.

It's just so sad to me that I am so far away from my own precious babies--and their babies--at this blessed time of year. My sense of humor is sadly absent right now.

I need to find something to do that requires my brain for longer stretches at a time so that I don't spend so much time thinking and feeling down. I always LOVED the holidays. I want that feeling BACK! And I don't want to deal with the meanness of other people, who seem to get a charge out of saying things that are targeted to cause pain. Why do people do that, anyway? And why doesn't anyone seem to realize it's happening, except for me?

Ah well. Enough of that. Whining has never been my favorite thing to do. I just wish we could all love one another, move on with life without having to hurt someone else in doing it and find our joy in the best place of all: Jesus' heart.

Ta-ta for now.

Holidays...Holy Days

It's been a while since I posted. In the time since, I've been out to Oregon for a few weeks and have continued to deal with the menopausal symptoms that seemed about to make me lose my mind. It's a little better now. Educating one's self can really be a good thing. Helpful. I discovered that lack of sleep or broken sleep can exacerbate the symptoms of menopause (really? I'd never have guessed.). And yet, menopause in and of itself causes that broken sleep (night sweats, feeling like you've swallowed the sun and it's now lodged between your ears and breastbone). I figured that if broken sleep makes it worse, and menopause is causing broken sleep...well, isn't that the epitome of a vicious cycle? Yup. 'Tis. So I decided to put on my thinking cap and figure out a way to keep the night sweats and hot flashes to a minimum during the night time.

I tried several things.

1. Leave the bedroom window open a few inches--even if it's hovering somewhere between icy and freeze-dry outside. (Frostbite isn't pretty. Especially in some areas.)
2. Sleep naked, or nearly so. (See above.)
3. Find an organic-fabric and -filled pillow that doesn't transfer heat. (No such animal exists. If it does, it's like finding bigfoot. I think it's a myth.)
4. Take sleeping medication. (Still waking up all night...just waking up drunk. Sort of better but not really.)
5. Drink alcohol. (I've been told it lowers body heat. Not sure about that but it did nothing to improve sleep. Added problem of hugging the porcelain god next morning. Not fun.)
6. Cry. (It's supposed to increase endorphins. Whoever said that... lied. Unless endorphins are little tiny animals that make your eyes red and swollen and give you the hiccups.)

Then, employing the part of my brain that has been hiding in a dark, frightened little huddle in the back corner of my skull, I thought, "Why not tackle this from a more direct angle? Find a way to keep your head cool at night."

I had a pillow that was really different. I'd bought it years ago but never used it for whatever reason. It was a regular pillow in that it looked normal. But it was actually an alternative down stuffed, zippered cover with a firm, smaller memory foam pillow inside it. I took the small pillow out and sliced it down one long edge. Then I stuck a king-sized pillow case down inside the pocket I'd made by cutting it open, then brought the remainder of the pillow case out and tucked it around the outside of it. (Imagine creating a little lined pocket inside the little memory foam pillow.) I took out one 8x8" frozen gel pack (the kind you use to keep your food cold in a cooler) that was a half inch thick, as well as two 3" x 4" gel packs and stuffed them inside the pocket in the little pillow. I put that stuffed little pillow into the larger, standard sized zippered outer pillow and zipped 'er closed. Pillow case on. Laid down on it. A wee bit firm but...blissfully...amazingly cool. Not cold. Not at all. There's too much foam and alternate down between my head and the ice for that. 

Good news. GREAT news. That first night, not one hot flash. Woke up once to go to the bathroom but that was it. And in the past 3 weeks I've been using it, I have totally stopped waking up with hot flashes and sweats! And now that I'm getting better sleep, I'm having almost zero hot flashes during the day. What a blissful relief! And with the remission of hot flashes has come a somewhat lesser problem with emotional swings. 

But now, it's the holidays. And I'm far, far away from my kids, grandkids, sisters and brother, and mom and dad. I don't remember the last Christmas I spent with them. Probably 2006. Yeah. That's it. Sad. I have never spent Christmas with the grand babies. Isn't that pathetic? I think it is.

Holidays. Holy Days. I think those two are sort of one and the same. It's tough to separate them in my mind. 

I guess I'm a little like Scarlett O'Hara. I'll think about it all...tomorrow.

Menopause is Awesome.

Not really. But it sounds good, doesn't it? I mean, we are born women. We go through the normal events of childhood, adolescence (and wow, isn't it exciting when we get our first menses?), become young women, mothers... Through all these growth times, we persevere with cramps, bleeding, pain, weakness, childbirth...emotional issues, some of which include depression. For some of us, those times are relatively easy. For others, it's a monthly struggle and not something to look forward to.

And then, oh glorious wonders, we get the joy of menopause! Hallelujah, can you say amen? Night sweats that are so amazing that they awaken us from sleep... hot flashes that show up and make it feel like the sun has taken up residence somewhere between your nose and navel, with no possibility of getting out of the heat because it's coming from INSIDE...and then the emotional swings. Wow. I've had moments in my life of feeling sad...hasn't everyone? Times when I didn't know what to do with myself, anxious moments of feeling out of place... But this?! This is waaaaaay beyond all that.

I now have days when I don't want to get out of bed. And then, contrarily, I can't stay IN bed another second. And these feelings will erupt within minutes of one another. I have no energy; I have too much energy. And no...no no no no...it's NOT bi-polar disorder. I actually asked the doc about that kind of thing. He smiled (that knowing, smug little smile that made me want to slug him and ask if he had ever experienced these joys) crossed his legs and laced his fingers together, resting his hands on his upraised knee. He had already laid aside his iPad (which he uses for notes and to look stuff up while we have our visit) and looked at me.

"Angela, I think you're entering menopause."

Seriously? Like I didn't KNOW that? Gee, doc, what gave me away? I wondered. Could it be the red face and neck? The sweat popping out and splatting onto the wall--ten feet away--even though it's like minus ten degrees in this air-conditioned office? Or maybe it's the change in attitude. The fact that I've gone from smiles and forbearance to scrunched up and ready to cry at the drop of a hat? Maybe the fact that I missed my period for like 5 months and then it started up again, this time with a vengeance? Fifteen days of using feminine products, a half a bottle of aspirin (or Goody's powders if they're available), the desire for a glass of wine every night (which I don't indulge because it gives me a smashing headache within 20 minutes of guzzling----ahem, I mean sipping it)? How about the fact that there are times when I can barely sit still because my muscles and nerves are firing to get me onto my feet but my mind and heart just want to be quiet and still? These paradoxical feelings are very new and frustrating.

So I ask the doc, "What can I do? Is there something I can take or eat?"

"Soy seems to help some women," he says with a very benign tone. "Or blue/black cohosh."

I've tried the cohosh. Didn't do much. "Soy. I have heard it's linked with some pretty bad stuff. What about valium? I've heard that helps."

He smiles. Kind of chuckles. "You're not at the valium stage yet."

My gosh. How much worse will it get, then, before I AM at that stage?

"So, soy. In pills or do I choke down that Silk stuff? That soy milk...?"

"You can do either."

Yech. Blah. Nasssssssty. I'm sure it is. Even though I've never actually tasted it. I nod, knowingly. "I'll try that," I say, fully planning on trying it.

I pick some up on my way home from the doc's office. I get home, pop the little plastic thingy out of the spout and pour a 12 ounce glass. I smell it. Sip it. "Very Vanilla, huh?" I mutter, tipping the glass and opening my throat to roughly the diameter of a five year old fir tree. Glug, glug. It's sweet and reminds me of the smell of baby formula. Yech. I decide to check the caloric and sugar values. Oh, good grief. I've just lost almost 30 pounds by getting away from sugar. This stuff has more calories ounce for ounce than my favorite beverage, Pepsi. I would rather drink Pepsi, I think as I put the carton back into the fridge.

Praying that this thing helps, I go through my day, hoping for a better night of rest because for weeks I've waking up about 5 times a night. No joke. I'm drenched one time, then wake up the next freezing cold because I threw off my blankets when I was sweating. So I'm wet AND cold. I get up, dry off, get under the covers (sometimes after having to wake my husband to change the sheets if it's bad enough, other times I just throw a bath towel onto the damp sheets and change the pillowcase) ...and an hour later I'm awake again, hotter than a two dollar pistol, sweating profusely. And so on. I kid you not. Now, these moments don't occur every night, but frequently enough to be a tough thing to bear up under. No wonder I feel depressed, or even short tempered some days! I'm suffering from sleep deprivation!

My husband is really banal about it all. He mostly just nods and smiles when I'm having one of those days. God love him. I could just strangle him for being so unaffected. I know just where I'll bury the body after I reach the point of being unable to bear his kind regard during this time of great distress. The peach trees need fertilizing.

Maybe tonight will be less traumatic.

Family Visit Today

Weird. But cool, nonetheless. My daughter Evie, along with her husband and two little girls are coming today. For most normal families, that wouldn't be so unusual, but it is a rare occurrence in my life. I live 2200 miles away from them. They live in Oregon, I live in Arkansas. Over the river and through the woods indeed. Many rivers and many woods, in fact. I am beside myself with joy and anxiousness. Joy--well, that's for obvious reasons. Anxiousness...well, that's on several levels. One, it's the first time that my son-in-law has ever been to MY house. And of course, I'm worried that they'll be okay on their flight...that the babies are comfortable and not crying, that they won't tire themselves out, and of course, that that incredibly huge jet will stay properly in the air where it belongs and not fall out of the sky. Yes, I am aware that more crashes occur in cars than in jets but still. It's a long way up at 30,000+ feet.

I've been working hard on retraining my brain. I think it's had some effect. I cannot be certain, but I've sort of felt better about things. It's like my brain has decided that it likes having all its neurons connected and firing once again. I went to check out Lumosity.com and as advertised, it's got some kind of cool games (yes, I know I mentioned this before, but bear with me) and ideas but I'm not going to pay for something that I can do for free on other sites.

A few days ago I found one that seems really great. But it's very difficult, by comparison to the others (like the AARP ones...*smile*). I also found an app for my iPhone that is pretty great. It's almost the exact same games as the ones on Lumosity and it's FREE. Yes, at least most of the levels are free. It's called Kerobics Gym. Try it. You might like it. Then again, you might not. ha.

So anyway, I've been training my brain to grow new connections in its neural net. Hopefully, I'll be back to my normal self soon. (I know some people that might be frightened to hear those words. hahaha.) I am hoping that the episodes of repeating myself due to lack of short term memory will go away. I'm getting really tired (and embarrassed) of hearing the words, "Yeah, Mom...you mentioned that. About a week ago. And twice before that." That's a slight exaggeration, but sheesh! Kids. Gotta love 'em. Of course, I'm the one who raised them to be smartie-pantses. My own bad. hehehe.

Well, I'm going to go grab a cuppa coffee and then get busy. I have to finish vacuuming and dusting. And making sure that there are absolutely no hazards for my one-year-old granddaughter to hurt herself with while she's here. I'm off to crawl around the house on hands and knees, at baby eye-level, looking for stuff. I believe I've heard this particular trick called CHILD PROOFING. *grin* It's gonna be GREAT.

Until later, I remain,
Grammy J.

Is it Possible?

So many things that float around in my head. Seriously. Like hot air balloons, they just float around in there, bumping off the neurons and spinning out into inner space. Ideas that aren't fully formed, things I try to memorize, conversations I don't seem to remember the way I once did... But old, long-term memories seem to be intact.

Talked to Steph (cousin) a few days ago. I was telling her how my mind seems to be on vacation of late. She laughed and said to her it sounded like typical menopause. Well, I am 47, so I suppose that's a good possibility. Just...I don't feel 47. At least not most days. It's like my 25-year-old person-self is hanging around in my 47-year-old body. And that younger version of me feels cheated. Maybe even...yes. Violated. Hmmm. Like there's some kind of revolt going on in there and the old part of me has regressed to the mindset of a 2-year-old who is sitting in the corner, arms folded, eyes averted, after just having thrown a major kicking and screaming temper tantrum. Pouting. Knowing there's really not a lot that can be done. Or is there?

So I was watching TV a few weeks ago and saw an advertisement for Lumosity.com. It's this website where you can do brain-training exercises. (And, by the way, I think that's the thing I tried to memorize one night--the something I mentioned in here on the first blog post.) I went there. You get the first 3 days free. Seems kinda cool but I'm not paying their fee to play. I'll get out my mahjong games or something first. I did do the free three day thing. The games remind me of the old Nintendo, with the target gun (one game) and then a tiles thing, and ...hmmm...something else I don't remember. LOL! Guess that doesn't lend itself to a glowing recommendation, if I can't even remember the 3rd game! heh heh heh

But I do wonder...is it possible that a brain can be retrained to be as sharp and quick as it once was? It's weird, but I think it is. I just don't know how to go about doing it. (Suggestions, anyone?) I've been doing a lot of knitting, crochet, sewing...but they're all pretty solitary tasks and Nels is very quiet most days. We have not been watching a lot of TV these days. My grandma used to say that TV did little more than pickle the brain in its own juices. (I think she may have been right, by the way)  She called it "The Idiot Box." Hmmmmm. Theories, anyone?

I am rereading the 4 book series I wrote back in the early 2000's. In the 2nd one now. So much I didn't remember. I want to finish the 5th (almost done) and 6th (1/2 done) so I can do the 7th and call it good. I do think that writing would be a great brain exercise (hence I'm sitting here now). Vocabulary, keeping names, dates, faces and places right--although I usually use a cheat sheet for verification. It's scary when you forget stuff.

I don't really have any alzheimer's symptoms or I'd be panicking, not making fun of myself. It's more...like I just can't focus for long on any one thing. Jeez, if this is what my mom's always dealt with, I'm gonna be cutting her some serious slack from here on out. This sucks.

Sigh.

Back to it.

Have a good day.